I met with Gina on Thursday. Gina is my wise counsel that I love… that I crave really. As I laid out most of my thoughts and feelings, she was able to take my worries and fears and excitements and hopes and sum them up into a beautiful word picture- she used the ocean to give life to the summary, which is perfect since the ocean seems to be the reoccurring creation I continuously come back to myself to help find my calm in the constant change of life.

Gina pointed out that it seems I have been riding the wave(s) for a while now- being excited about so much in my life- and that I am now most likely in the midst of the crashing (again) as waves naturally do. According to my personality style, I crave rules and routine (shocking, I’m sure) and that instead of riding the top of the wave and eventually crashing (which is what I want to avoid) that I desire a grounding beneath the waves. We talked about ways to do this in how I begin and end my days and the routine and structure I use. Even though I feel as though my life has not settled into a routine yet, I do have some control over the beginning and endings of my days.

but, to get to that grounding it seems there must be a sinking from being on top of the water to the bottom... a sinking... that is what I have felt for the last week... a slow, blurry sinking...

Last night, I sat in my comfy chair and tried to “simply” be still and know that he is God. I have been giving thought to the nature of God and how to understand his nature. By looking at what I know of God- how I have seen him act in the past, what has been recorded in the Bible, what others have experienced, etc, I began to think on these attributes… other thoughts fought for attention and even though I acknowledged them, I tried not to give them attention… not the easiest time.

Then, as I could not sleep, I read a couple of things:

1)      From morning & evening by Spurgeon: Evening January 22

“Their love is the love of the table, not of the host; a love to the cupboard, not to the master of the house… Sooner or later every bar of gold must pass through the fire. Fear not, but rather rejoice that such fruitful times are in store for you, for in them you will be weaned from earth and made meet for heaven; you will be delivered from clinging to the present, and made to long for those eternal things which are so soon to be revealed to you.”

I was pretty amazed that this seemed to speak right to where I am- not wanting to love the acts of God, but love God himself- understood through his acts... and that the struggle is a pruning to produce fruit, the fire to produce purity, all of which can be used to draw me to the eternal things...

2)      I also read 1 Kings 19:1-18 from sermon notes I found in my Bible. This passage speaks about Elijah fleeing from Jezebel after he had done an amazing feat for the Lord- he ran out of fear. He ran after the Lord showed his power through Elijah. Why did he run? Why did he fear? In his running and wandering, in his exhaustion and weariness, he was woken up and fed. He was provided for physically. When he finally stopped running, the Lord showed his power and then his ability to speak through a whisper. I noticed that Elijah did not move or react until he heard God in the whisper- that means that although he saw the strong wind and the earthquake and the fire, he recognized the Lord in the whisper. He must have not only been looking for the Lord but he also must have had an intimate knowledge of the Lord to realize what he would use to speak to him- not the magnificent and powerful acts, but the quiet whisper…

^{12 And after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper.[a] 13 And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”}

This morning, after not being able to get to sleep, I was woken up with an unexpected energy to begin my morning with intention. I was provided with “extra” time with the Lord, which I believe he has been longing for from me and what I have needed with him. Today’s thoughts from Oswald were about having a completely unveiled openness with God and being able to be a mirror for others. “The most important rule for us is to concentrate on keeping our lives open to God.”

As I have felt weighted down with the transitory and useless worries, I felt conflicted about how to be a mirror for others- what am I reflecting and how can I change that reflection to one that looks more like God? At that question, something Gina has planted in my head popped back up- “freedom.” We have been given freedom to freely choose God. I have forgotten this freedom. I have allowed myself to become entangled by silly, meaningless thoughts about temporary concerns that I have little control over. I have given up my power to these worries losing my freedom and consequently my joy.

After searching for scripture to remind me of this quality of God, my morning has thus been focused: it is for freedom that I have been made free.

2 Corinthians 3:17: Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

Galatians 5:1: For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:13: For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

1 Peter 2:16: Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servantsof God.

Following this verses were several songs that encouraged this thought process:

I am set free, all sons & daughters

Your glory, all sons & daughters

You are my joy, david crowder band

And then I came to the office and the first song on Pandora is keep your eyes open by needtobreathe
and I am, once again, humbled by the workings of God in my tiny life and my minute concerns.

It seems as though the Lord has been using my crashing, the breaking down, the sinking, the change to instill this idea that I need to establish a rhythm to be grounded to find consistency that I desire. I need freedom to find joy in that process. I need joy to be a good mirror of who God is in my life.

“What are you doing here, Elijah?” God asked this of Elijah, let Elijah be open with him about his concerns, and then gave him new tasks.

I have seen the Lord do amazing things in my life over a short period of time. I have run to him and run away from him. I have been fed by him and given rest. I feel as though the question now is, “What are you doing here, Andrea?”

I have been surprisingly overwhelmed by anxiety recently. 

For someone who feels able to put their faith in God for many things and feels capable of having a fairly healthy perspective on the smallness and fleetingness of this life, I was saddened at the realization that I would rather hang on to my worry than to continue to turn it over to God. 

I have a doctor's appointment today. I have seen more doctors in the last year than the rest of the time in my life combined! When I began to eat better and take care of myself, I noticed a correlating decline in many areas of my health. As I filled out the paperwork last night, I was pressed on all sides by fear. This doctor could have the ability to clear up many physical mysteries in my life... and that can be good. But I forgot last night: God knows what is going on, what will go on and how this will all work out. God is my provider in many areas and ways, why not let him provide peace and comfort in my fear? Why not trust him to provide a clear answer and, subsequently, a clear solution?
Here's the thing with doctors and me- they rarely tell me anything useful. I'm either better by the time I see them (more often than not) or they cannot figure out my symptoms. Again- where is my faith, where is my trust: in the doctors or in the Lord?

No matter what happens, what comes of this- if anything- God is still God. He can use whatever this is or is not for His good and His glory.

Let me continue:

I am in the midst of relationships in this season of my life. God has provided several people in my life to give guidance, comfort, and connection. Just like my job- that I love- these are coming to the end of the honeymoon phase and the work is really beginning. In that, when people pull away- whether by choice or happenstance- I feel abandoned. I can typically appreciate the down time that is usually needed. However, when already dealing with stress and anxiety, my perceptions added on to the pile of weight of worry I chose to carry.

I feel as though the Lord has brought me to this revelation (hang on, this will blow your socks off) that I am not created to be alone. Not only in relationship with others in general, but in relation to a relationship as well. Now, why would he bring me to that conclusion- why would he uncover and draw out that desire if there is no purpose? There is a purpose for it because my God does not do anything without a reason- he is reasonable.

I have many questions. 

I have few answers.

I am reminded of something a friend told me a few months ago when I was struggling with trying to understand the nature of God and what he was trying to accomplish in my life:

"Keep trusting, and then trust some more."

Proverbs 3:3-6 The Message

I think this is what it means to seek after the Lord, to work out my faith...